Geoff's Miscellany

Miscellaneous Musings

Proverbs

Redeeming Self-Love

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For the Christian, there is a right and wrong way to love yourself or your own life. One can disqualify you from being a disciple of Christ:

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:26)

The other leads you to seek you own highest well-being: God, virtue, wisdom, and so on. 

Whoever obtains wisdom loves himself, and whoever treasures understanding will prosper. (Pro 19:8)

Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. The face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all.
(Psalms 34:11-19)

Elsewhere, Jesus puts the two ideas into a paradoxical statement:

Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for life in the age to come. (John 12:25)

Now, why would you want to keep your life for the age to come unless you loved it? Chesteron once said, “One can hardly think too little of one’s self. One can hardly think too much of one’s soul.”1.G.K. Chesterton. Orthodoxoy ,174 Now, there are several ways to consider this apparent paradox of Jesus. I’ll offer three:

  1. The Radical View
    Jesus means for us to be martyrs for the cause or not be disciples at all. And if you’re not martyred, you’re not really to enjoy this present life, mired as the world is in sin. But rather you are to relentlessly spend yourself and trust only the Holy Spirit to give you joy. 
  2. The Two Natures View
    You must hate your life, insofar as it is defined by sin. To hate your life means something like, ‘hate the aspect of you which continues in its passions, loves to sin, is enslaved to the devil, and so-on.’
  3. The Wisdom View
    This is the idea that a knight, to survive must live as thought he has to concern for his life. In other words, because he loves his life dearly he must fight and risk as though his life meant nothing. Chesteron explains this well, “Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. “He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,” is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaneers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. This paradox is the whole principle of courage; even of quite earthly or quite brutal courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice. He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it.”2.Chesterton 171

The whole point though is that the motivation to ‘hate your life’ is the very love we have of our lives. In his less paradoxical moments, Jesus entices people to come to him to have life, and that to the full (John 10:10).  And so a love of your life that leads you toward truth, goodness, and beauty, toward disciplined acquisition of virtue, toward a deep and abiding love of God, and toward a willingness to risk lesser goods for greater is good for you. But to love your life as is or so much you will not risk for that very life is ultimately to hate you life and therefore to lose it. Perhaps Paul says it best when he refers to Christ as “he who is your life” (Colossians 3:1-4). If your love of life is the sort of love that loves what God has given you and God himself, then it is good. One might call it redeeming self-love. 

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References

References
↑1 G.K. Chesterton. Orthodoxoy ,174
↑2 Chesterton 171

In which Lady wisdom is an analogy for your spouse.

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In a previous post I mentioned that to become wise, you must flirt with Lady Wisdom. Proverbs 8:32-36 notes that she’s interested in men who study at her gates. Similarly, I submit that in marriage a husband should study his wife.
Not in the sense of being a panderer or a sycophant (that ruins friendships, I imagine it ruins marriages too), but in the sense of figuring out what makes her happy, what her temptations and struggles are, what her goals are, what the Lord has done for her thus far, etc. Then obey Jesus and “do unto others…”

Biblically speaking, wives are obviously admonished to do the same (but there’s no analog for Flirting with the wise guy that sounds as cool). So, just like you have to flirt with Lady Wisdom to become wise. Use the strategies for gaining wisdom to be a good husband or wife. I think of various proverbs (which are not divine revelation in the same sense as Isaiah, the Pentateuch or the Gospels, but are rather an inspired compilation of observational wisdom):

Won’t those who continually plot evil go astray? But gracious love and truth are for those who plan what is good.
(Pro 14:22)

Being slow to get angry compares to great understanding as being quick-tempered compares to stupidity. (Pro 14:29)

A gentle response diverts anger, but a harsh statement incites fury. (Pro 15:1)

These are all fairly obvious, but careful reflection can often reveal to the reader that they (that I myself) routinely live out of step with behavior patterns that seem self-evident. For instance “gracious love and truth are with those who plan good.” That’s obvious in life and especially obvious in a marriage with two sane people. Planning to do legitimate good typically (not always because the world is fallen and ugly) leads to good things. But how often do we neglect spiritual disciplines (a plan to become good)? How often do we actually plan to accomplish specific good things for others? I hope often.

Listen to this next string of advice from chapter 15:

The mind of the righteous thinks before speaking, but the wicked person spews out evil. (Pro 15:28)

The LORD is far away from the wicked, but he hears the prayers of the righteous. (Pro 15:29)

Bright eyes encourage the heart; good news nourishes the body. (Pro 15:30)

Whoever listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. (Pro 15:31)

Whoever ignores instruction hates himself, but anyone who heeds reproof gains understanding. (Pro 15:32)

The fear of the LORD teaches wisdom, and humility precedes honor. (Pro 15:33)

All of those proverbs make obvious sense but have we done the work? In any relationship are we humble or do we just demand respect? How do we respond to criticism? How about the simple pause to think before speaking? Do we complain so much that we’re a “boring Brenda,” “Troublesome Thomas,” or a “Darlene downer?”

Anyhow, the point is that the book of Proverbs has a lot to say to us about growing up, getting wise and hopefully maintaining the integrity of the relationships with which God has blessed us. May the Lord help us break various cycles of sin as his kingdom comes upon the earth.

Entitlement Culture and Forgiveness

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In a study published by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2004 it was concluded that:

Forgiveness, though widely admired as a virtue, sometimes brings costs for self-interest. In the wake of deep hurt, those who forgive must humbly set aside hateful thoughts and vengeful
fantasies that seem perfectly justified. To forgive means to cancel a debt, a debt for which one may fully deserve repayment. This debt metaphor suggests a profile of a person who should be especially prone to unforgiveness. An unforgiving person should be someone who is easily offended, highly invested in collecting on debts owed to the self, and determined to assert his or her rights in a principled effort to maintain self-respect. As suggested in the six studies presented here, individuals high in narcissistic entitlement fit this unforgiving profile in ways not fully captured by situational factors (e.g., offense severity, apology, and relationship closeness) or broad-based individual-difference constructs (e.g.,agreeableness, neuroticism, religiosity, social desirability). These findings suggest that narcissistic entitlement is a robust, conceptually meaningful predictor of unforgiveness.

Exline, Julie Juola, Roy F. Baumeister, Brad J. Bushman, W. Keith Campbell, and Eli J. Finkel. “Too proud to let go: narcissistic entitlement as a barrier to forgiveness.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 87, no. 6 (2004): 894.

The conclusion here reminds me of certain teachings of Jesus and the book of Proverbs:

In Luke 17:7-10 Jesus gives a seemingly out of place saying:

“Now, who among you, having a servant plowing or tending lambs, who comes in from the field will say to him, “Go rest, now!” Will he not rather say, ‘Prepare something to eat and get dressed to serve me until I eat and drink, and after these you will eat and drink?’ He will not thank the servant for doing what he was told, will he?” So also you, when you have done everything which has been commanded to you, you should say, “We are unworthy servants, we have only done what we must do.””

This seems to mean that we Christians should take our good deeds with a grain of salt. In other words, though God does want to bless us (which Jesus teaches elsewhere) it does not behoove the Christian to have high expectations about the nature of his or her own deeds. In the timeline of eternity they may or may not mean much, so hope in God to give them significance (which he promises to do). And then, as Paul says, “Your work in the Lord will not be in vain.” But an entitled attitude will probably cause significant anger when trials come either from like circumstances or others who mistreat you despite your hard work. Do note that this is a Proverb and not a universal principle. Jesus gives instructions about dealing with abusive authority and speaking truth to power elsewhere. So this is to be applied to those of use facing disappointment, not blanketly applied all who face injustice from legitimately un-thankful superiors.

Also, Proverbs 12:11 (ISV):

Whoever tills his soil will have a lot to eat, but anyone who pursues fantasies lacks sense.

If you pursue the fantasy of being owed something or the fantasy that crops grow without work, then you’ll find yourself going without. But it won’t only be that, but it will apparently be with a chip on your shoulder and an unforgiving heart.

Flirting with Lady Wisdom

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“So listen to me, children!
Blessed are those who obey me.
Listen to instruction and be wise.
Don’t ignore it.
Blessed is the person who listens to me,
watching daily at my gates,
waiting at my doorways—because those who find me find life
and gain favor from the LORD.
But whoever sins against me destroys himself; everyone who hates me loves death.”
(Pro 8:32-36 ISV)

The book of Proverbs seems to be intended to help young Israelite men become wise. This does not mean it does not apply to women, it clearly does, but its main intention was apparently to instruct young men. The didactic methods are geared toward young men. Wisdom is portrayed in three ways: a wise mother, a beautiful woman (perhaps even a prophet), and as a wife.
Anyhow, the above passage talks about gaining wisdom as a means of gaining favor with God. This is interesting because many today talk about gaining favor with God as some luck of the draw thing. The Proverbs prologue indicates that favor with God is a term for those who work hard to be successful and ethical. But how can one get this wisdom which leads to favor with God? Lady wisdom says, “Blessed is the person who listens to me, watching daily at my gates”. In other words, attend to wisdom daily. Get the attention of wisdom. Treat wisdom as single man would an attractive woman (not as a conquest) but as an object of affection or as a pearl of great price. Sell your possessions to get wisdom and you will be blessed.
The point is obvious. To get the lady you must show her attention and figure her out. To get wisdom you must take time to figure it out, this will change you. You have to study daily. It works this way in God’s kingdom too; you sell your possessions to buy a field with a pearl of great price. You sell your sloppy thinking, bad habits, and laziness and study wisdom daily. This looks different for everybody in terms of calling and circumstances (are you a doctor, a grocery clerk, a mechanic, married single, etc). But it also looks the same: become humble, become generous, become frugal, spend time daily improving the skills you need to be a wise [fill in the blank here]. For Christians it also means daily attending to the teachings of Jesus Christ who claims that those who do so “are like a wise man, who built his house upon a rock.”

All of us would do well to flirt with Lady Wisdom.